Hands are about a 3 this morning. I'm not super surprised since my lunch yesterday was pizza (provided by the school) with tomato sauce. My feet are hurting quite a bit, left foot achilles tendon is very tight. Stress levels are a bit better as I no longer am feeling guilty that I don't feel comfortable being a donor for my sisters bone marrow transplant - she was told yesterday I would not be considered a suitable donor due to the PsA. I certainly didn't want to give her PsA on top of her Lukemias but was feeling guilty about it. I would do anything for my family and I told her I would do it if I was her only choice but otherwise I wanted her to have someone else since PsA would comprimise both of our immunity systems. Even though I know I was doing the right thing for both of us, I still felt guilty putting stipulations on it.
Yesterday, I received a very wonderful compliment from the parent of one of my current students. Previously, when I had her older child in class, she questioned my methods and did not understand my motivation regarding performance requirements and such. Quite honestly, we got off on the wrong foot. I explained my request and explained how it would be important for her child to learn how to perform in front of people in this ever expanding world. I explained how finding a way to cope with performing/speaking in front of others was a skill that is much needed in the world now and would become even more important in the future. My teaching style is different from every other music educator that I know and I try very hard to help each child find their niche in the Music world and help them to be successful in that area. I take my job very seriously and feel I have been very instrumental in helping students find their talents and give them the support needed to pursue those talents. This parent now has a second child going through my program and is loving every minute of it. The older child continues to stop in and see me when he is in the building and is still involved in music. Normally, finding out this information would make me feel good but this week, not so much.
You see, I have been realizing how quickly life can change due to PsA, or any health situation. I have had to modify my curriculum so much this year that I am afraid the students are not going to get as much out of my class as they have in the past. I even went so far as to add a short term disability insurance as a percaution. My hand issues have left me not able to play guitar very much. For so many of my students, the guitar section is the pinnacle of their Music experience. I can't stop having this section in Music because it is so well loved and combines every thing they have learned since Pre-K. It is the culmination of their Music experience wrapped up in one thing they can do for the rest of their life. I don't know how much more I can modify and still keep the quality parents and children have come to expect. My strongest asset in my teaching is that I am somehow able to help kids who have not liked Music in the past, find something that is special to them. I encourage them and I help them be successful with their experience and believe in themselves. It really scares me and makes me, that they may not get this special experience any more and I, in turn, feel inadequate. I get tired so easily that it takes me a few days to recuperate after a concert. This is so frustrating, on one hand, I really want to keep doing my job, I love it and I make a difference to a lot of students, on the other hand, I don't know if my body can handle it. I do not want to get to the point that I become bedridden and have to rely on others to do everything but yet I am afraid if I keep working at the pace I currently do, just that may happen.
I have been trying to stay so positive about things and not get too scared about the future but this genuinely scares me and is my top concern right now. I have been trying to think of what I could do if things don't work out at school. The dream job would be project based, where I can work from home and be able to take breaks as needed. Something where I could use my creativity and help others. Probably not requiring me to sing every day as that is super tiring and people don't realize how much energy it takes out of you. Something where I could make as much money as I do now but is quite a bit more flexible regarding my body. I am learning how to pace myself, I am paying closer attention to my body and learning to read its rhythms. I am great at public speaking, maybe I should try to get on the lecture circut and talk about PsA and its effects on ones life. Only God knows what I am to do now and I guess I will have to wait and watch to see what he wants me to do. Meanwhile, I am going to continue to be the best teacher I can and hope to continue my life's work helping children to realize their potential and believe in themselves.
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