This week has been full of misery, horror, disbelief and relief. My Mom pretty much lost everything after her home was flooded. Thank God, she is ok and made it safely out of her home but herself and her neighbors have lost so much. She is taking it surprisingly well and is remaining positive. She is currently living with my brother and is keeping a smile on her face. It shows so much about her character and her upbringing. She was born in the midst of the depression and grew up using all of her families resources to make a happy family. I learned many of these ideals and like to think I would also not be attached to the material things of this world however, I am finding this to not be as true as I would like. You see, I lived with her when she first moved into the cute little home by the river. As much as I had tried to not like it, it's charm won me over and I can still remember watching the sun shine through the snow as one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen.
It was where I celebrated my senior recital, my college graduation, my wedding reception as well as many family get togethers and where we met our adopted family members, who have treated Mom as if she was their parents as well. I remember waking in the morning to watch the blue herons and bald eagles catch fish. Where I walked with a flock of wild turkeys to my car. Where I caught sight of a rare mating ritual of chub fish spawning on our island making the water so turbulent you would have thought it was raining. Catching frogs with my nieces and nephews, falling into the river on Easter Day (about 3 years in a row), rescuing a lost canoe in winter that had drifted from 'who knows where' and ended up tempting my nephews to go in the river in November to get it. Various kegs floating by that were lost from college tubing sessions and the buzzing of low flying planes who used the river to navigate. So many memories.
The memories will stay with me but the loss of security will haunt me. Due to crazyness with my in-laws, if anything ever happens to my husband, I have a limited time to move out. The home I live in will never be my real home as there will always be connotations to keep me from feeling that way. I think the reason this situation with Mom is effecting me so much is that up to this point, I knew it would be a home for me if I ever had to leave here. My greatest fear is being homeless and now she is in that position. She is handling it with such grace and I am a basket case. I am so thankful that she is ok, she is my rock and I honestly don't know what I would do without her. She is always on my side and has never quavered from that position. When I lose my cool, she is right there to help me out. She has spent her life taking care of her kids now it is our turn to take care of her. I just feel like my hands are tied and I cannot do enough to help. I can't even go up there to comfort her because there is no place for me to stay. I've been calling her almost every day and offered to help out however I can. I have gotten clothing for her and will be sending it up to help. I've been praying long and often for her.
How does this effect my PsA, you are wondering?? I had been doing well this week until all this happened and then I went for the comfort food - potato chips. This, along with my stress levels soaring, has put me in full on flare mode. The hands are swollen, the toes having phantom toe pains, the back just not cooperating at all and asthma is even getting in on the action. Sleep is eluding me and I am just trying to relax and veg a bit. Instead, I keep finding myself on line looking for houses in the area for Mom and thinking of everything I need to make sure she does. Previously we decided to take my sister, who is recovering from a bone marrow transplant, on a little get a way since she has been home bound for over a year now. At first we were going to cancel but since there is really nothing more we can do for Mom, we've decided to go anyway. It's just an overnight vacation to a motel but for her it signifies she is getting better and she needs to get away. My nephew is now cancer free (YAY!!). When did my family life become more dramatic than a movie?? Maybe I should write a book.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Feeling older, yet wiser
I just realized I haven't posted in ... well... forever! I think it means I am feeling a lot better so I am having fun living my life. Since my last post, my family has been dealing with so many different events - some good, some bad - but all keeping me on my toes. With experience comes wisdom and I am learning new things every day.
The new job is going well. I am having fun and the kiddos are having even more fun! They really like Music and they are helping me to move more and helping me feel better. Even on my flare days, they manage to put a smile on my face and raise my spirits. I have been using my cane on my bad days and they are very caring and very curious. I just tell them that I am hurting a bit that day and need a little help walking - for the most part that satisfies their curiosity and life continues. I bit the bullet and talked to my Rhumey about getting handicapped plates and he filled out the paperwork. I know I won't need it all the time but on the flare days, my feet cannot handle more than about 10 minutes before I have to stop - otherwise I hurt for the next two or so days. My fellow faculty and staff are aware of my limitations and still love what I do with my students and have been so helpful. Originally, I didn't really want to tell people about the situation but then I realized, if I am honest and tell them, they won't hold it against me or chalk it up to being lazy or negative things like that. I am very lucky to have work mates who are caring and respect me for my other talents.
I really struggled with the handicapped plates. I felt I really wasn't ready for them but honestly, I so needed them when I am hurting. Last year I had a day where I couldn't walk and had to call in to work as I couldn't get out of bed and that really scared me. This disease can sneak up on you when you least expect it. I am starting to understand my flares a bit more and can figure out why or what is causing them. Lack of sleep is a huge culprit. I have found the days in which I don't get enough sleep, my hands and toes go numb by the morning and sometimes they don't ease up at all during the day. It doesn't make much sense to me but it is proving to be a constant. The problem is that pain can keep me from sleeping which results in a viscous circle. I have also found I am very sensitive to nightshade vegetables - potatoes and tomatoes (my two favorite veggies) are the main culprits. I also feel processed sugar may be a trigger as well - Christmas celebrations resulted in a flare and that was the main difference in my diet so I will try some experiments this summer.
The real eye opener for me is that since the diagnosis, I have given myself permission to slow down when things are hurting. Before, when I didn't know what was wrong, I pushed on and kept myself moving which often resulted in more pain, confusion, frustration, and downright grumpiness. Now, when I feel I am pushing things too much, I allow myself to stop so that I am not paying for it for days. If anyone has a problem with it, I politely tell them if I don't stop now, I will be the one paying for it tomorrow. I have to pick and choose what is most important. During the school year, my husband and job are the top priorities. Other things, like shows, choirs, and extra activities are on hold until the summer when I can make it a priority yet still have down time if I take on too much. I miss these things but I have to get my priorities in line and think of things that way. I may hurt some peoples feelings but for once in my life, I have to do what is right for me. It has been a very long time for me to figure this out but I am not being selfish, I am helping my relationships by having quality time with my friends, not quantity time that hurts everyone (myself by having pain, others by not enjoying the time we spend together because I am grumpy and hurt). True friends will understand and others will just have to realize that is what is best for everyone.
The new job is going well. I am having fun and the kiddos are having even more fun! They really like Music and they are helping me to move more and helping me feel better. Even on my flare days, they manage to put a smile on my face and raise my spirits. I have been using my cane on my bad days and they are very caring and very curious. I just tell them that I am hurting a bit that day and need a little help walking - for the most part that satisfies their curiosity and life continues. I bit the bullet and talked to my Rhumey about getting handicapped plates and he filled out the paperwork. I know I won't need it all the time but on the flare days, my feet cannot handle more than about 10 minutes before I have to stop - otherwise I hurt for the next two or so days. My fellow faculty and staff are aware of my limitations and still love what I do with my students and have been so helpful. Originally, I didn't really want to tell people about the situation but then I realized, if I am honest and tell them, they won't hold it against me or chalk it up to being lazy or negative things like that. I am very lucky to have work mates who are caring and respect me for my other talents.
I really struggled with the handicapped plates. I felt I really wasn't ready for them but honestly, I so needed them when I am hurting. Last year I had a day where I couldn't walk and had to call in to work as I couldn't get out of bed and that really scared me. This disease can sneak up on you when you least expect it. I am starting to understand my flares a bit more and can figure out why or what is causing them. Lack of sleep is a huge culprit. I have found the days in which I don't get enough sleep, my hands and toes go numb by the morning and sometimes they don't ease up at all during the day. It doesn't make much sense to me but it is proving to be a constant. The problem is that pain can keep me from sleeping which results in a viscous circle. I have also found I am very sensitive to nightshade vegetables - potatoes and tomatoes (my two favorite veggies) are the main culprits. I also feel processed sugar may be a trigger as well - Christmas celebrations resulted in a flare and that was the main difference in my diet so I will try some experiments this summer.
The real eye opener for me is that since the diagnosis, I have given myself permission to slow down when things are hurting. Before, when I didn't know what was wrong, I pushed on and kept myself moving which often resulted in more pain, confusion, frustration, and downright grumpiness. Now, when I feel I am pushing things too much, I allow myself to stop so that I am not paying for it for days. If anyone has a problem with it, I politely tell them if I don't stop now, I will be the one paying for it tomorrow. I have to pick and choose what is most important. During the school year, my husband and job are the top priorities. Other things, like shows, choirs, and extra activities are on hold until the summer when I can make it a priority yet still have down time if I take on too much. I miss these things but I have to get my priorities in line and think of things that way. I may hurt some peoples feelings but for once in my life, I have to do what is right for me. It has been a very long time for me to figure this out but I am not being selfish, I am helping my relationships by having quality time with my friends, not quantity time that hurts everyone (myself by having pain, others by not enjoying the time we spend together because I am grumpy and hurt). True friends will understand and others will just have to realize that is what is best for everyone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)