guilt

I am feeling quite well today, only a bit of swelling in my right foot.  However, I am feeling rather guilty about some things.  My sister has been battling two types of Leukemia and up until last November, I would have done anything to help her but now since the PsA diagnosis, I cannot and it is killing me.  She says she understands and does not want me to donate bone marrow as she feels it would be detrimental to my health.  I also certainly don't want to take the chance of giving her this disease as it would not improve her quality of life and would most likely lead to many other problems for her.  What is rather disturbing and weird is that the medial people she has spoken with seem to think I should be able to donate bone marrow and it would not be a problem but yet no one has explained why.  I am fighting with myself as my heart would do anything for my family but my head is saying it isn't a good thing for either of us.  I am sure this is going to cause me to stress out and flare but I am really struggling with this.  I feel as if I am being selfish and I should do whatever I can to help.  I did tell her that if she cannot find a suitable donor from our family that is willing and able to donate, I would do it for her but I so badly want to help that this guilt feeling is taking over.  Physically, my brother and sister would be more able to do it as well since they are more fit than myself.  My husband is very concerned as well as he has health issues and I am trying to get myself in order so that I can take care of him when he needs me.  I am sure he is afraid something will happen to me and I would end up sicker that I already am. 

I am so used to having tons of stress in my life that when I don't, I feel as if something is going to happen soon to get it in an uproar again.  My jobs have always been high stress, my family history is full of trying situations, to the point that people wonder how we survived and stayed positive about it.  My sister and I were discussing last night all of the things our family has endured and how people react when they hear our family history.  On many occasions I have been told how strong my family must be but the truth is, when these things happen, you just have to deal with it, you have no other choice.  We have always been fighters and have managed to be there for each other even though we live in different parts of the country.  Like everyone else, we have our moments of discord but we usually work through it and are there for each other if we need it.  Just like we will get through all this too.  I really do wish I could do more to help but I guess my position in this situation is to be an ear to vent to and support my sister as much as I can.  I think I need to take up meditation and yoga . . .