Not the best weekend.  I enjoyed seeing all my cousins after so long, but I am hurting like crazy this morning.  Driving 12 hours in two days didn't help any and neither did the huge fight with hubby yesterday.  I thought he was understanding better but he doesn't.  I ended up having to move the turtle tank and now I am more swollen than ever.  I'm not sure if I am going to be able to handle work today but I really don't have any choice.  I pretty much told him that I was thinking about leaving because the relationship was so completely one sided and wasn't fair to me - especially now that I am having these health problems.  I have spent my life helping others and now I need some help and there is no one to help me.  Our situation is so atypical that no one can really understand what we have to do to keep things in balance.  All of the 'perks' one gets from marriage, a sense of security, a joining of lives to be one, joint finances, has been forced to not happen due to this stupid trust.  I don't care about the money, but what I do care about is us having a home that belongs to us, not just him.  His family has informed me that if anything happens to him, I cannot live here.  I have no say in how to decorate the house, replace the flooring or anything that effects it.  However, I am expected to pay for repairs and  clean it to their standards (which are so high that I couldn't reach their standards even before the full onset of PsA).  I offered to have people come in to clean it and that is not accepted because that would mean strangers would be in the house.  They even had a fit when I had friends come in to help pack up after his folks passed away (I was expected to do it all - you know, I am just the housekeeper and cook, not a family member nor his wife), yet I could not throw anything away unless I had his permission but he wouldn't come with me to work on it.  More and more ill feelings are brought up as things progress.  He keeps telling me things are going to change but he puts no effort into fixing things.  That is why I think I am going to have to leave before anything will change.  I entered into the marriage as a partnership - everything 50/50 but I pay for most everything, I have to do the work around the house, and I am the one who feels neglected.  He says he loves me, he thinks all of this is about me not wanting to clean the house.  There is no room for me at this house and he has no answer for that.  This house is a shrine to his parents and I have no outlet, no claim to it nor do I feel welcome here.  I am tired, I hurt both physically and mentally and I am ready to just chuck everything.  Why should I even try if nothing is good enough and no one gives a care if I am happy let alone even ok.  There are more issues that I do not want to write on here and that are too personal for anyone to know but he seems to think there is no problems.  Why should he, he has a hot meal every night, a housekeeper to bitch at when it doesn't get cleaned up, he has no real investment in the marriage because he has everything he wants out of it.  He says it bothers him that I am not happy but he doesn't do anything about it.  Just bitches more when things aren't how he wants them to be.  He complains that I spend too much time online yet he doesn't come out of his bedroom to spend any time with me.  Yet if he asks me to come in there and watch his stupid gameshows I am expected to drop everything and run to his side.  It isn't going to happen anymore.  If I leave, he is going to have to make some major changes in his lifestyle so that he can afford to live here without my income.  I mention this to him and it doesn't bother him because he doesn't think I will do it.  The only family I have down here is him and my sister who has her own problems to deal with right now and he knows I have no where to go so I am stuck.  I offered to still help him with rent and such and I would move into the other bedroom but that wasn't an option either.  In other words, I have no options except to move out since things are not going to change around here.  The last thing I want to do is admit failure in yet another aspect of my life.  I gave up so much to be with him and he has given up absolutely nothing.  I did what was traditionally expected of the wife, I even had the wedding down here instead of in my hometown.  I give up, I do not have the energy to deal with all this -  I just want to get out and get away from the krap.