I haven't posted in quite a while but things are getting pretty hard around here.  My sister's transplant is on Monday and things are in the process already - that part is good because something is finally going  to be done to help her.  I know it has only been a few months, but our other sister that we lost died within 6 weeks of her diagnosis so that memory keeps sneaking back into my mind.  We got the mix up taken care of and everyone understands except for my heart which still thinks I am not doing enough to help.  The emotions are on overload right now and to add insult to injury, I found out hubby has not been honest with me.  Last night I just shut down - went numb - my protective wall went up.  I didn't want to be touched, consoled, or even talked to.  I still don't but I have to get on with my life weather I like it or not.  Part of me just wants to throw in the towel and get amnesia or something.  Hubby wants one thing and I don't know what I want right now.  I ended up eating chili and potato chips yesterday by accident so I have a feeling I will be hurting today.  At least I can look forward to seeing my sister tomorrow but that means I have to clean tonight.  Hubby is working late so I won't have to face him until late tonight and I just may be in bed asleep when he gets home.  I am too physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted to try to figure out an answer.  Right now I just want to fade away into nothingness. 

We got the fundraiser going and I am glad I did, however, I am horrible about asking people for donations.  I keep feeling like it is personal if they don't do it.  I guess I think everyone should be charitable and now that my family needs it, it hurts when people say no.  I hope that if the tables are turned that I would still be charitable to them but I honestly don't know.  I do not know what they are going through and everyone is having to scrimp in this economy right now (including myself) so I know they have their reasons but my focus is my family right now.  I called the rheumy's office to see if it was safe for my sister to be around me and they switched it around to be about me and didn't answer the question.  Honestly, I could care less about my health right now and even if I couldn't handle it I would try anyway when a family member is in danger.  I just don't want my situation to endanger her.  I just want everything to be done somehow.  Meanwhile I just need to figure out what to do to keep my sanity.