Weather may be effecting me today

The body has been doing quite well as of late but late yesterday, I started noticing some new symptoms.  My right shoulder started giving me problems again.  Last summer, during my worst flare, I had some weird things happen with this same shoulder.  It felt as if it was out of place (this 'out of place' feeling happens quite often with me and PsA as when the joint swells, it feels as if it slips out of place as well).  Food wise, I didn't eat anything that would have caused it, but my hands are stiffer this morning (probably an 8) and my feet were worse yesterday evening (my left foot is numb almost to the heel).  Wait, yesterday, McDonalds accidentally gave me hash browns and I did eat them - hmmmm.  The temp is dropping today and I just checked the weather - thunderstorms - maybe that is why all the issues this morning.  Despite the higher pain levels, today, I did get a good nights sleep last night and that is more important for me.  I can deal with pain, but lack of sleep messes up everything.  When I can't think straight because I am too tired, I might as well just give up on getting anything done or having the patience to deal with others. 

The good news is that I am having more 'good' days than 'bad' ones and I have to remember that I am one of the lucky ones.  

New Phobias - just what I need. . .

Well, I found out I have a new fear that is associated with PsA.  I was suffering from cramps today and the thing that works best for me is to soak in a hot tub.  I have avoided it since we moved into this house as the tub is small and I am leary of being able to get out of it.  Today, I wasn't feeling well and thought it would be a good thing to help me.  Apparently my fear of getting stuck in the tub has become a phobia as I could not get myself to get in it.  I sat on the edge of the tub with my feet in it for about 20 minutes before I abandoned the idea.  Ideally, I would like to have a sit down tub installed in that bedroom but it is quite expensive and since I am more than able to shower in the other bath room, I haven't pursued the idea.  I don't think hubby would go for it anyway and since the place is technically not mine, I would loose a lot of money if I invested in it and then was forced to leave.  I hate having to make decisions with that in mind but I really have no choice.  If I had my way, we would get a lap pool (small pool with flowing water - a swimming treadmill type thing) and it would be heated up nice, some can even be treated like a hot tub.  Ahhh yes, that would be soooo nice. 

Not the best weekend.  I enjoyed seeing all my cousins after so long, but I am hurting like crazy this morning.  Driving 12 hours in two days didn't help any and neither did the huge fight with hubby yesterday.  I thought he was understanding better but he doesn't.  I ended up having to move the turtle tank and now I am more swollen than ever.  I'm not sure if I am going to be able to handle work today but I really don't have any choice.  I pretty much told him that I was thinking about leaving because the relationship was so completely one sided and wasn't fair to me - especially now that I am having these health problems.  I have spent my life helping others and now I need some help and there is no one to help me.  Our situation is so atypical that no one can really understand what we have to do to keep things in balance.  All of the 'perks' one gets from marriage, a sense of security, a joining of lives to be one, joint finances, has been forced to not happen due to this stupid trust.  I don't care about the money, but what I do care about is us having a home that belongs to us, not just him.  His family has informed me that if anything happens to him, I cannot live here.  I have no say in how to decorate the house, replace the flooring or anything that effects it.  However, I am expected to pay for repairs and  clean it to their standards (which are so high that I couldn't reach their standards even before the full onset of PsA).  I offered to have people come in to clean it and that is not accepted because that would mean strangers would be in the house.  They even had a fit when I had friends come in to help pack up after his folks passed away (I was expected to do it all - you know, I am just the housekeeper and cook, not a family member nor his wife), yet I could not throw anything away unless I had his permission but he wouldn't come with me to work on it.  More and more ill feelings are brought up as things progress.  He keeps telling me things are going to change but he puts no effort into fixing things.  That is why I think I am going to have to leave before anything will change.  I entered into the marriage as a partnership - everything 50/50 but I pay for most everything, I have to do the work around the house, and I am the one who feels neglected.  He says he loves me, he thinks all of this is about me not wanting to clean the house.  There is no room for me at this house and he has no answer for that.  This house is a shrine to his parents and I have no outlet, no claim to it nor do I feel welcome here.  I am tired, I hurt both physically and mentally and I am ready to just chuck everything.  Why should I even try if nothing is good enough and no one gives a care if I am happy let alone even ok.  There are more issues that I do not want to write on here and that are too personal for anyone to know but he seems to think there is no problems.  Why should he, he has a hot meal every night, a housekeeper to bitch at when it doesn't get cleaned up, he has no real investment in the marriage because he has everything he wants out of it.  He says it bothers him that I am not happy but he doesn't do anything about it.  Just bitches more when things aren't how he wants them to be.  He complains that I spend too much time online yet he doesn't come out of his bedroom to spend any time with me.  Yet if he asks me to come in there and watch his stupid gameshows I am expected to drop everything and run to his side.  It isn't going to happen anymore.  If I leave, he is going to have to make some major changes in his lifestyle so that he can afford to live here without my income.  I mention this to him and it doesn't bother him because he doesn't think I will do it.  The only family I have down here is him and my sister who has her own problems to deal with right now and he knows I have no where to go so I am stuck.  I offered to still help him with rent and such and I would move into the other bedroom but that wasn't an option either.  In other words, I have no options except to move out since things are not going to change around here.  The last thing I want to do is admit failure in yet another aspect of my life.  I gave up so much to be with him and he has given up absolutely nothing.  I did what was traditionally expected of the wife, I even had the wedding down here instead of in my hometown.  I give up, I do not have the energy to deal with all this -  I just want to get out and get away from the krap. 

One Crazy weekend

What a crazy weekend.  Hubby fell and hurt himself on Friday, I received word that one of my Aunt's was dying and passed away on Saturday, and today was auditions for the local theater.  It has been an emotional roller coaster.  My Aunt was a wonderful person who was an inspiration to me.  She and her husband raised 12 great kids together.  She gave me a place to stay while I was student teaching and has always been so sweet and nice to me despite the fact that I was the youngest of all the cousins.  She will be greatly missed.  Hubby is feeling better but still hurting.  Surprisingly, despite all the drama, I am feeling pretty good.
Well, I must be feeling better because I went to auditions today.  I haven't been in a show for a couple years but I miss it so much.  A few years ago, I landed the lead role in "Nunsense", I was the Rev. Mother Superior.   I allowed myself to audition for summer shows only since I don't have to work during this time.  The show I really want to do will be 3 hour rehearsals and in the evening so I think I would be more apt to be able to handle it.  I actually had to dance today as well.  Over all I did quite well but boy am I out of shape.  The show I want to get is very campy and funny - right up my alley.  I know I am taking a chance not knowing how my body is going to react but if I don't take the chance I will never know.  My medication seems to be working well and honestly, I want to do this while I still can do it.  Originally, I wanted to do musicals for a living but knowing the chances were slim, I went into education instead.

Friends and PsA

Last night, I was finally feeling able to go out with some friends and hang out for a while.  For the last year or so, it has been really hard to get together with friends as they always want to meet at night after work and I just don't have any energy left.  We all met in a water exercise class and due to different reasons, only a few of us are still in the class so we occasionally meet at a local watering hole and enjoy each others company.  One of the members has some health issues herself and completely understands my situation, however another keeps comparing PsA with Osteo and trying to tell me how to deal with it.  I have tried explaining that it is very different but she won't hear of it.  She is older than me and feels she knows more about it since she has had fibro problems as well as her arthritis and tends to make out that her problems are more acute and she can help me deal with it.  I love her dearly but I really don't need this right now as I am trying to figure out how to deal with it and  I actually have the disease.  I want to help others understand, but I keep thinking I must be coming across as feeling sorry for myself or some other negative way but yet I want them to understand why I cannot do everything anymore.  It is hard enough for me to figure out how things effect me without others trying to  tell me what I should or should not do.  I hide the situation well and do not complain a lot (or at least I try to) but I do know what my limit is and how much I can handle.  It is just so frustrating.  The other friend who has had a lot of health issues as of late, and I feel so bad that I haven't been there for her during this trying time but she does understand as she is limited on what she can do as well.
Meanwhile, my body is doing ok this week - only minor aches and pains, nothing too substantial.  I'm still avoiding nightshades but did have some pizza with just a little sauce this week and everything is still in check.  Along with the pizza, were cinnimon breadsticks which are wonderful.  Still trying to be a good girl and lose a bit of weight.  I'm looking forward to the weather warming up so I can get my bike out :)

First show of the season

Well, I went to the first fiber show of the season and survived.  I really missed my sister, it just isn't the same without her.  We are a team, she is the salesperson and I am the demonstrator.  It is going to be a hard adjustment to do these without her.  I tried to simplify and only took the fiber and yarn leaving most of the finished works at home but still managed to make my toes ache.  As far as set up and take down, I did pretty well.  I had to stop and rest my back when loading the car but overall, I can't complain.  By the time I got home, I was exhausted and still haven't taken things out of the car - that will be the plan for tomorrow. 

I managed to eat properly and avoided the tomatoes and potatoes but boy was I tested when I drove by a Fazoli's fast food.  They don't have them around my house anymore so I tend to stop when I see them.  Being Italian food, tomatoes are everywhere but I was careful and picked foods that did not have red sauce nor potatoes and managed to get my Italian food fix without them. 

I sat most of the day but my toes have been really bothering me.  I am even thinking about giving them a wax treatment to see if that helps - not really sure if my feet will fit in the container but I think it is worth a try.  It isn't even 8 pm but I think I am heading to bed.  I have to get back into the routine again but meanwhile my eyelids are super heavy.  Good night all!

Life changes everything

Not the best morning, hands and elbows are hurting.  On the scale I would say it is about a 5.  The weather has been up and down between rain, snow and sleet.  I did well regarding eating and even included some garlic to help with inflammation, however my right hand is swollen and my right elbow as well.  Both feet are hurting as well.  Neck is stiff  and lower back is feeling stiff as well.  My meds haven't kicked in yet but hopefully will help later.  Getting dressed hurt as well but I pushed through and even wore socks. 

There are so many things we take for granted.  Simple acts like putting on your socks can be comprimised with this disease.  Some days, putting on a bra is simply out of the question.  My hubby thinks I just don't like to wear them, the truth is that some days it really hurts to put it on.  I have had sock issues as well.  With all the body parts that like to swell, tighter socks can cause problems.  I have resorted to loose fitting anklets that are easier to put on and off which, of course, limits my choices of stylish socks.  Nylons are out of the question.  Shoes are questionable as well.  I still haven't found a pair that suits all my needs, instead I have a pair that fits for comfort but not exactly work appropriate (thank Goodness my boss understands what is happening with me and is allowing me to wear them).  Feeling as yucky as I am today, it makes me realize how really bad it was last summer.  I was in a lot of denial when I was feeling my worst - I just kept thinking it would go away and pushed through the pain.  At the time, I thought I was being positive but looking back, I was way worse off than I am now.  Even though I am still in pain, I am making it work and taking my mind off of it.  It gets worse if I dwell on it so I often try to do other things to take my mind off it.