I haven't posted in quite a while but things are getting pretty hard around here.  My sister's transplant is on Monday and things are in the process already - that part is good because something is finally going  to be done to help her.  I know it has only been a few months, but our other sister that we lost died within 6 weeks of her diagnosis so that memory keeps sneaking back into my mind.  We got the mix up taken care of and everyone understands except for my heart which still thinks I am not doing enough to help.  The emotions are on overload right now and to add insult to injury, I found out hubby has not been honest with me.  Last night I just shut down - went numb - my protective wall went up.  I didn't want to be touched, consoled, or even talked to.  I still don't but I have to get on with my life weather I like it or not.  Part of me just wants to throw in the towel and get amnesia or something.  Hubby wants one thing and I don't know what I want right now.  I ended up eating chili and potato chips yesterday by accident so I have a feeling I will be hurting today.  At least I can look forward to seeing my sister tomorrow but that means I have to clean tonight.  Hubby is working late so I won't have to face him until late tonight and I just may be in bed asleep when he gets home.  I am too physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted to try to figure out an answer.  Right now I just want to fade away into nothingness. 

We got the fundraiser going and I am glad I did, however, I am horrible about asking people for donations.  I keep feeling like it is personal if they don't do it.  I guess I think everyone should be charitable and now that my family needs it, it hurts when people say no.  I hope that if the tables are turned that I would still be charitable to them but I honestly don't know.  I do not know what they are going through and everyone is having to scrimp in this economy right now (including myself) so I know they have their reasons but my focus is my family right now.  I called the rheumy's office to see if it was safe for my sister to be around me and they switched it around to be about me and didn't answer the question.  Honestly, I could care less about my health right now and even if I couldn't handle it I would try anyway when a family member is in danger.  I just don't want my situation to endanger her.  I just want everything to be done somehow.  Meanwhile I just need to figure out what to do to keep my sanity.

Stress, confusion, and miscommunications

Life can be so scary at times and this is one of them.  My sister needs me to help her out this summer.  If all of this would have happened last year, I would be there in a second but now since I have been diagnosed, I am scared to death.  Her transplant is happening later this month.  Mom will be coming down to help her for a while but the truth of the matter is that Mom is 78 years young and it may be too much for her.  I told her that I would help out, meaning I would come help and give Mom a break every so often but wear a mask so I wouldn't contaminate her.  Somehow, this was miscommunicated and became that I would stay with her for the two months over the summer.  Normally, I would be there and do it but now I am on immunity supressing meds that may make me a germ carrier.  I am so scared that I may give her germs.  She and I talked yesterday and I shared my concerns with her.  Honestly, if she passes because of something that I could have prevented, I would never forgive myself.  My heart says I need to help out and take over after school is out but my head says I can't take the chance of hurting her.  I don't know what to do.  My heart usually wins out over my head but I now have to take my husbands thoughts into consideration and he won't tell me.  I really feel like I am in this totally alone - not the first time I have felt this way.  Sometimes getting him to talk to me about his feelings is like pulling teeth.  Face it, I am alone in this endeavor and it is up to me to do the right thing, if I ever figure out what the right thing is.  I am sure things will be clearer after I finally get some sleep but sleep has eluded me for two nights now.  I assured my sister that we will figure it out and she doesn't have to worry about it.  I tried out for a show for this summer (before I knew what was happening with the transplant and such) and got a minor part but will most likely have to back out of the show with all of this happening, so I guess I will call the director tonight.  I am sure they will understand but I hope they don't hold it against me.  I had better get going as I need to collect my thoughts before I get to school.